Last night I had an animated discussion with my flat mate, Alice. She was asking me why I am not going on dates with not just one man, but NO men. Alice asked ‘well are there any nice guys in the Catholic Church you go to? I mean...any chance of meeting a man there...’
‘Not that I am aware of...’ I said a bit despondently. It’s a bit hard to meet men in the foyer of the Church, and churches are not exactly pick-up joints.
’But Alice churches do hold weddings! Wouldn’t it be funny if I were to meet a guy in a church and then marry him in the exact same church?’
‘It would be hilarious. But I’m curious. Are there many men at the Masses you go to? I mean you're always saying you want to get married. How'ya going to meet Mr. Right?’
‘Ye-e-e-s’ I said thinking of the forty-something men that come to Saturday evening Mass and to Sunday morning Mass, these bald/balding men are chronologically too advanced for me, and even if I were so inclined, they have a wife and children surgically attached to them.
‘Alice, I’m not sure there are many single men going to Mass...’
‘Have you tried to talk to any of the single guys that are there? I think you should look for a nice guy with a rosary dangling in his hands.’
‘I wish! Well, it’s not quite that I don’t talk to them...it’s that they don’t talk to me. There are some suited, pinstriped twenty-something men that I see at the Communion rail, and I see them every week, but I never talk to any of them. Few of my friends are Catholic and I don’t have Catholic female friend to introduce me to male Catholics.’
‘Uh-huh. Doesn’t sound like you’re going to meet a Catholic.’
‘I’ve never had a serious Catholic boyfriend. I’m not sure they exist.’
‘But if you want one, someone must break the ice.’
‘Well, it’s like this, I can’t very well wear binoculars in Mass and then take detailed views of any nice types, then sidle up to them after Mass and say in a Southern American drawl, ‘hi, I’m livin’ in this crazeeee London town, lonely, and wondering if you would be so kind as to buy me luh-hunch. When you goin’ t’do thah-hat?’
‘Right. But I’m the type of girl who believes that man should do everything. From initiating the first conversation to asking me out to doing the proposing with the platinum diamond ring balanced on his forehead.’
‘Oh yeah – I definitely agree with that. The man does the asking out. That’s why that book ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ gets it so right. If a man really likes you then he will do anything to get you.’
‘I suppose those men at the Catholic events, and talks and conferences that I go to just aren’t that into me. But it’s so difficult! Alice! ALL my hobbies revolve around my religion. I write a blog to defend the concept of chastity, I organise my day so that I can go to Mass, and say the Rosary. I read LifeSiteNews and look up pictures of Baby Jesus....There’s a possibility that I won’t meet anyone. I just know very few men who have these interests in common.’
Alice paused before saying the next part. She was going to bring up the M word.
‘Have you ever thought what you will do if you don’t marry? I was thinking about it today and I just don’t know what I would do! When I was ten, I always had this picture in my head that I would get married at eighteen! Now that I’m in my twenties and have never met a guy that I could see myself marrying, it’s beginning to seem very scary. That my twenties could go by laughing and going out with my friends and that I’ll not meet the one.’
‘I feel your pain Alice.’
‘You’ve thought about this Phil? What’ll you do if you don’t get married?’ My friend Alice is very practical and reflective. She always likes to know the details of plan b, if plan a fails miserably. Alice knows that my plan a is marriage.
‘Become a missionary in a developing country and for every child that I won’t have, I’ll help a hundred learn to read and write.’
‘Yes, you could go to Ecuador! Maybe Mexico? You might meet someone doing the voluntary work over there.’
‘Yes, until then, I’ll go around London with ‘husband hunter’ tattooed on my forehead.’
‘What will you do if you don’t get married Alice?’
‘I just don’t know! It’s always been part of my dream. ‘I’ll concentrate on my career. Build a good reputation...’
I do feel for you, ladies. This Mere Male, only mumblety-mumph years old (and looking even older) did his own Chasing many decades ago now. If it's any consolation, we MMs have our trials as well. In those single days, many the night my last prayer was, 'Saint Anne, send me a good Catholic wife!' {future wife I meant of course ;-D}
ReplyDeleteMuch more recently, I had to complete a questionnaire that included the question: "What do you see as your most significant achievement to date?" I wrote without hesitation, "Conning the future Mrs Simpetar into saying 'Yes' ".
Girls in the school where i taught would ask, "do you believe in Love At First Sight, Sir?" I would reply (truthfully), "I didn't – until the evening I met the future Mrs Simpetar". "Ahhhh!" they would sigh, wilting off their chairs in ecstasy.
Another posting to follow ...
Happy dreams, ladies!
Now as to tactics. I agree with you, Phil. the lad should make the running. Not because of anything to do with sexual politics: as with school teaching, there are certain things that are a Given in human interactions. I am prepared to beieve they are hard-wired; putting it another way, they reflect objective realities that we find ourselves having to operate within, they are not things we can choose beforehand.
ReplyDeleteIn this case: if the woman tries to take the initiative, she sabotages the Courting Process. the man will feel the woman to be unattractive, whether he can put his finger on the reason or not.
A woman doesn't have to DO anything to earn a man's admiration and love. If he performs a small kindness to a woman, he really is sufficiently rewarded by a smile and a 'thank you!' Both will leave the situation feeling happier and affirmed. If the woman tries to return the favour with a reciprocal gift, it jars. (We are not, of course, here discussing Predatory Males who are On the Make: in their case, if the smile is not enough, all the worse for them, and the female hasn't lost anything – including her safety.
Hence my first advice to girls: do not work too hard at finding The Right Man: instead, work to become the Right Woman. BE the woman that your intended Mr Right would want to marry, and one day he will come to your door.
My second advice: in the fairytales, the Handsome Prince just happens to come riding past. How romantic it is when this happens. But Marriage is a strange admixture of Heart and Head. In the past, the most stable marriages in Europe during the 19th century were in Ireland, and for the most part these were Arranged Marriages. A lot of nonsense nowadays is talked about this institution, of which few have direct memories. They were not simple cattle-markets: yes, it was open to abuse, if the older generation were prepared to barter off their daughter for worldly possessions. Some women will do that of their own free will: that does not invalidate free will, does it? In the Arranged Marriages of rural Ireland, if all parties were genuine, a real consideration was given to the happiness of the couple, and the girl (let it be noted) usually knew perfectly well who was being 'considered'. She would normally have decent input into the process, yet she was not seen to be initiating it.
ReplyDeleteSo my advice: Do not spurn the 21st century's equivalent institutions: by all means go to parish social events. But as you say, there is no socially-acceptable way of taking the Next Step if you are not being "sponsored" by a friend.
Therefore, I recommend in all seriousness the Dating Websites. There is nothing demeaning in them that was not there in the Arranged Meetings of past generations.
And I would also recommend the Marriage Bureaux. The former give a wide variety of prospective companions; the latter take careful note of your situation, and then arrange, for a fee, just one companion per 'shot'.
You will probably find that the fella is still left free to make the first phone call.
Finding Mr Right is like finding a needle in a haystack. There is no reason not to focus the search with the help of Those With Experience. That's the way it was always done in the past.
A warning: because the latter goes more against the grain for the female than for the male, there are typically far more males involved than females. And many of the males are poor specimens who can't find a girl for reasons that are painfully obvious the first moment you set eyes on them. It can be hard on the nerves: don't give up.
The other thing is: be honest with your personal profile. This may be harder than you think. There are no marks for the right answers! If you definitely want (eg) only a practising Catholic who is good looking, black haired, over 6 feet tall, and not of non-European racial type, say so. All the fewer embarrassing evenings.
And – needless to say – follow scrupulously the Guidelines for Personal Safety. NO meeting in obscure & semi-deserted locations, NO going back to apartments alone etc etc!
And my personal advice adds this: do not neglect the novena to your Patron Saint!
St Anne Saint Anne find me a man- found me my man-you can have him if you want- i'm so joking of course te he, no seriously- God knows exactly the plan for your life so no worries there. I have heard of Knock marriage bureau, a beauty like you would get snapped up very quickly, you could have a million gentlemen callers but you have to be discerning given that thankfully you are want something different than most single women.
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